Ceilings Don't Exist

2007-02-11T02:59:00.000-08:00

so he did ask me and i said no. it's all God's will anyway. i think. somtimes it's hard to belief that humans have free will.

on a side note, i am DAMN SCARED for this wednesday's results and i hope my brother and me both do well. if we dont i'll just die. *takes knife and slashes wrist* okay, not so bad, but i wna do well, really.

life sucks. gna get new glasses later. i think im using guy who seems interested in me to boost my self esteem. i think im really selfish and i think i shouldnt do it. i shouldnt lead him on. afterall, i will not accept him and thats like, period.

2006-12-23T20:30:00.000-08:00

funny how things can change in a span of a year. i fell in love, out of it. got hurt. had a few crushes and now, having a boy who's crushing, or is at least contemplating about being with me but still not decided yet.

i had a few people come up to me this year for my number as well.

is this a sign that i am actually not bad looking and not as ugly as i think i am. maybe.

or maybe, they're just bored. yes. they're probably just bored.

<3

2006-12-15T23:56:00.000-08:00

you know i wish i was a little meaner.

you know i wish i was a bitch.

you know i wish that i was a cynic who didn't care.

you know i wish that no one was important to me except myself.

but you know i can't, i can't not because im nice, i can't simply because i care about things more than other people do. i care when people get hurt and i care when people say things about me.

fuck that okay.

2006-12-13T06:41:00.000-08:00

you do not do, you do not do, anymore, black shoe.

C:i hope you rest well and take care. i no longer know what happened to us. i do not know if i care about it.

J: i hope when you spend your new life in NZ, you'll finally put down your past. your past including me. which you might have already.

: )

2006-12-10T05:48:00.000-08:00

i like you, i like talking online with you.

i like you, i am fond of you.

but i'll never let you know.

<3

2006-12-07T21:45:00.000-08:00

possibly no one will enter into this blogspace. despite my efforts to make it (now) a public blog. i seem to blog less often now. much less. actually, i feel that once you open ur blog to one person, just one, your thoughts and ur emotions will be taking that person into consideration, wanting to appease that person, or thinking through ur words carefully so that you might not say something from your heart but offensive to that person.

why bother?

really, it seems that sometimes random strangers who come across those really public blogs know more and care more than those whom come across us everyday.

a person's life interwines with another. men and women are all actors while the world, is a stage. "they have their exits and entrances". sometimes, it hurts to let someone go but you know you got to. to let the play go on, the life continue. oh! a wonderful beautiful life, one that is truly lived to what one wants to do. people look at me sometimes and think why i study so hard. not that i really do but i am pretty concerened with my work. the simple answer i can give is that it's a form of escape for me. i do not wish no longer to hold on to the past when i can no longer.

stumbling on someone's blog the other day, i realised that he still loves his ex. "im glad that she was part of my life at one point and im glad for the life i have now". perhaps love's never meant to go the right way. the pain that im feeling, the hurt, is bad. but i look forward ardently and fervently to the day that i will feel nothing for him. no bitterness, no nothing.

like my friend said, bury him in the remotest part of your head and memory, and move on with your life.

i must protect my heart from now on.

i promise.

2006-12-02T21:57:00.000-08:00

listening to songs make my day sometimes. many times i am about to give up and start caring about that whoreshit bastard, many times i convinced myself that im happier now, i don't need him to screw it. it's just like fate, a kind of destiny, when it's gone you cannot want to hold on. no. not anymore. i want to find the one that exists because i exist.

and i am so in love with The Valley Song by Jars of Clay.

2006-12-01T07:57:00.000-08:00

i feel comfort in this blogspace i have, simply because, i dun haf to act like anyone. i dun haf to be like anyone. i am free.

i refuse to read any more blogs from any of my clasamates simply because i refuse to get hurt again. i refuse to read something that chides or mocks at me. when someone you dun like writes that about you, that is still alright.

a friend of mine, had something written about him by someone he loved. a friend he loved. i wonder how it must have hurt. i wonder how much it must have pained him.

and now i just wonder how my heart, can feel near to nothing for him, yet something. i dun hurt anymore, i just want to forget.

you know, i dun really care anymore, i just want my 5 A's for my A'levels, my A's for Chinese and PW and God.

i miss him because he always talks to me online and he's in thailand now. but i don't want to be attached to him too. because i know im growing to be this way.

and there are mountains i want to climb, places i want to go, and air i want to breathe.

i want, to be free and happy.

2006-11-29T07:29:00.000-08:00

sometimes i think about it. it's over. long time ago. but this experience made me know something more about myself. i am empty. like an empty vessel, i am empty. smiling yet not knowing why i do that. acting like im very happy when i know the world is wondering why in the world i am act in such childish ways.

i met a friend this afternoon. and i confess, that i have had good feelings toward this friend. feelings that extend to that of more than a friend. but i also confess that i feel insecure. the same feeling he gave me, insecurity. i am insecure. i need to be loved, appreciated, bothered about. i only hold on to the past because i needed to be bothered about. but i guess everyone needs to learn.

now, i want to learn to love God. i think i lost God. i need Him. i need to love Him, i need Him. i need to learn to be by myself, to survive even without having anyone to care about me. he dint live anything good in me, but he said once "we come into this world alone but for God, and will leave it alone" he's right.

today this friend told me that he(my past guy) was quite reluctant to receive my present. i expected it somehow. but spending so much time on it, and then not being appreciated, just sucks.

i don't want to live for anyone but for you God, so help me, please. let me know you're real. please.

and please protect my heart from another who will only harm it.

thank you.

2006-11-27T09:03:00.000-08:00

hello world! from today onwards i aspire not to waste my days away. The reason why I have a blog is to treat it as a form of solace, away from the outside world. The expressions inside here catharthic and until I make sense of it all, I will not attempt to re-open my heart or my thoughts to anyone. You know I've always blogged, I've always liked to blog, I did bare my soul, but I didn't find myself, and I haven't.

Some days you just feel like sitting down, have a cuppa coffee with your closest bunch of friends, and be yourself. I try to hide a lot of things from people. For so long. Even now as I'm writing, I re-call to mind a certain someone who has made an impact on my life. "for so long I lived by myself". Every word just rings in my head, how he could bring such an impactful story to me, in such beautiful words. I think I loved and lost him. I think I'll never come across him for the rest of my life. As the wounds heal and I try and remove the shards of broken glass that he left in my heart, I tremble. Because I've never met anyone quite like him. Maybe that's why I love him. I've never met anyone quite like him.

Till this day, and for the rest of my life, I choose to only believe in his goodness. I choose to keep him inside my heart, I choose to love, I choose to move on, yet I choose to let every hint of the nostalgia seep inside me when I think about him.

romantic. hurtful. powerful. strong. weak.

make me swoon again my boy. I knew from the start it was not going to be long. Yet, the beauty lies in that, we loved, we lost. You grieved, I cried. It was painful, unforgettable. I don't think I'll ever be able to forget you.

because I've never met anyone quite like you.

<3

2006-11-27T08:53:00.000-08:00

testing. testing.

i hope this works. well, i think i'll figure it out : )